World Domination

A Treatise on World Domination Tactics

Chocolate Soldiers

I've been thinking a little recently about certain nefarious plots for world domination, and I thought I'd share the fruits of some of my research with you...

The angle I've taken for researching a possible method of world domination is this:

Complete control through a reign of terror, backed up by an army of chocolate soldiers.

Now, this is certainly one of the more unusual methods, but by no means unthinkable. So, after a certain amount of running around asking people strange questions, getting poked in the eye a lot and occasionally bought a beer and patted on the head with the phrase "there there, it'll all seem better soon" ringing in my ears.... I present some of my findings, loosely organised under three headings.

World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers. Pros:

• Cheap to replace when they take horrible losses.
• Logistics -- food especially -- not a problem.
• The element of surprise...
• Corruption of the young, in preparation for a really insidious takeover next generation...
• Generally unrebellious force, unlikely to stage a coup and overthrow you.
• A tasty treat if everything's going really badly.

World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers. Cons:

• Not very scary.
• Can't carry guns, and small candy spears don't really hurt a lot, no matter how many you get hit by.
• Low morale a common problem amongst confectionery militia.
• All attempts to subdue Opelika, AL have met with heavy resistance, with no bodies recovered to date...
• Hot weather an operational limitation, as is excess humidity.
• Mobilization is a problem, unless many Kinder Suprise (for aircraft/sailing vessels) are purchased.
• Inability to withstand enemy fire of any kind.
• Many tactical limitations tied to being 3 inches high.
• Inability to understand complex strategic or tactical issues.
• Basically, completely bloody worthless.

World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers. Summary:

Okay, if there is anything much less likely to aid one in taking over the world than an army of chocolate soldiers, it has yet to be the subject of such an in depth research topic. These things just suck. They're absolutely useless when employed in such a fashion, and the moron who tries to use them to achieve this end is likely to find himself on the Rikki Lake show, complaining that someone read his mind and produced a Pinky & the Brain episode, and he deserves royalties. In short, if this is the best you can come up with for taking over the world, you are in all likelihood the kind of person who would be quite good at ruling the world. As long as you have a hunchbacked assistant to wipe the drool off your chin, you freak.