World Domination
Contents
A Treatise on World Domination
Notes on Being an Evil Overlord
Henchmen
Okay, we've looked at some of the methods that you potential ruthless world-dominating dictators could utilise in your quest for power and sexual adequacy. Now, it is time we looked at some of the other things you're going to need to take care of, especially in the early stages of the process, as it has to be said that most plans for World Domination fail at an early stage. So, where do you start?
Okay, a few things you'll need to get your hands on, and a couple ideas on how to get them ...
Today, we'll look at arguably the most important of these:
Personnel.
1. A Right-Hand Man Okay, you'll almost always need one of these. You need someone to take care of things, and to provide a healpful scapegoat if everything goes wrong. Look for someone with native cunning, but no real brains -- hese guys can be your worst enemy. Good for planning raids on banks, bad for defending your stronghold against the inevitable invasion force of meddling peace-loving busybodies who don't recognise your genius and genetic superiority. These guys should as standard be complete sniveling cowards, possibly with accounting skills, as they save you from having to manage your illegal accounts and free you to concentrate on those press conferences and media tirades which are so fundamental to getting your picture on the evening news.
Best recruited while still in their teens -- promise them limitless women for them to whine incessantly about their acne to.
2. Henchmen These are also an essential item, as they will form the nucleus of your personal protection force. You'll want about a dozen, with three lieutenants amongst them who can be better defined, with meaner haircuts and really macho nicknames. A really good idea, if you can organise it, is to have one being a heartless bitch woman that everyone will assume you are sleeping with -- this is a good prestige point at conventions. For the rest, you want blind loyalty and insufficient brains to run away from somebody, even if said somebody is pointing a rocket launcher at said henchman. Now, upper body development is another thing to look for, good for getting you out of the wreckage of the Jeep once it;s hit a carelessly placed landmine. For the most part, you'll want to equip these guys with German sub-machine guns, as nobody who is capable of holding down a nickname should ever die holding anything less.
Best recruited at the local gym - just bribe them with spandex and steroids. Except for said ruthless female killer type - these you are on your own for, I am not saying how I got mine.
3. An army of ninjas.
Right, now these are definitely in the "your mileage may vary" category. Some people swear by them, but others think they're a needless expense. They do look really, really cool when they have their coordination down, and they can be used very successfully in a reign of terror, particularly in an urban environment. However, having to allocate space for ninja training grounds isn't always easy, especially if you're trapped in suburbia, and for the most part, these guys are still no more than a distraction as extensive ninja training is still no match for half a dozen AK-47s on full auto.
Best recruited at the local karate schools -- a good method is to offer them black uniforms instead of the white ones they have to wear as black ones need less cleaning and most ninjas have appalling personal hygiene (as we all know ninjas cannot swim).
4. A Muslim horde / Fanatical Tribe of Amazon Warriors. et. al. The fundamentalist horde is, if possible, even more dodgy than the army of ninjas, yet for some reason is also disturbingly popular. It is easy enough to set yourself up as the "Great White God" or "Mohammed XXIII" and get your own army of fanatical loonies, but they don't tend to be a lot of use, unfortunately. Sure, they tend to be blindly, fanatically loyal, but they also tend to have disturbing habits like refusing to carry "the accursed white man's boom-sticks" and wade into combat carrying small ritual gutting spoons, and thus there is a tendency to have a lot of wear-and-tear on fanatical hordes in an operational environment. they also tend to have schisms over what form of oatmeal they will consume and end up slaughtering 85% of your army in a "Porridge Jihad" before you even know what's happening, and you have to clean up the mess and hand out all the second hand ritual gutting spoons to your new, and likely as not, even more psychologically disturbed, replacements. Oh, and keep them away from the ninjas, theological/spiritual debates will also have them reaching for the spoons.
Would normally be best recruited in Iraq, but that well seems to have dried up in recent years. The deep Amazon ins also a good place to go, but Amazonian headhunters don't travel well and tend to collapse into a fetal heap at the sight of the sun. Consensus is to steer clear of these guys where possible, unless you want to set up shop in the desert or a ruined Mayan temple, in which case, you do get points for style, while giving yourself logistical problems the likes of which only your Right-hand man can fix.
5. Goons You'll need a lot of these as they are, by nature, almost as untrained as a fundamentalist horde, and they lack the religious fervor which makes the fanatics any use. Numbers may vary, but try to have at least 50, and preferably 1000 or more. Otherwise you are likely to be accidentally mistaken for a fringe Vietnam Recreation War Gaming group, and that could lead to backlash when you start slaughtering innocents. Now, uniforms are good, but for these guys it really doesn't matter too much -- white t-shirts, ripped jeans
Goons
Equipment
okay, we've seen how important henchmen are going to be to you budding young sociopaths, and so today we'll look at one of the other things you are going to need for people to take you seriously. What is it, you ask? Simple
Equipment.
Now do not snigger, and enough with the, "wellm if you have the equipment, you wouldn't be so insecure as to have to impose your will on others" spiel. No, what I refer to are the toys and tools of the operssor of today. Again, we'lll look at some of the most important groupings, in no particular order.
Transportation
OK, now a dictator in a Lada is going to get mocked out of the game and fair enough too. A would-be conquerer has to be seen in something that speaks of raw Masculinity. Even if it is a woman. Masculinity is all in a vehicle, whatever the type.
For preference, you're going to want an aircraft, and we are not talking about a Cessna here, we're looking for something special. Try a small cargo jet, but put guns on it, paint it black, and don't forget to paint flames on it. No flames, no kudos. This way you can fly places with your bodyguards (including the Ice Bitch -- make sure there's a comfy chair for her, or else she'll be grumpy) and possible even the odd Goon to bring you a wine cooler during the flight. However, if you're just setting out, aircraft could well be out of your budget. (Some people have been known to attempt World Domination on $10 pocket money a week, although there have been no reported successes to date). So you may have to look elsewhere.
Another idea is a hovercraft, more correctly known asa GEV (Ground Effect Vehicle). Also GEV sounds hellishly technical and hivercraft doesn't. With one of these things, you're going to have a hard time getting around the carpark at the 7-11, but people are going to be scared of you. Especially beach-goers, as you can churn them into sand and run down surfers if you're particularly annoyed. For a GEV, the best thing to do for visual effect is to paint it black, with flames on the engine cowlings. Best to put some guns on it too.
If you are to insist on ground-based transportation, make damn sure it's something imposinglike an articulated tractor/trailer, preferably painted black, with flames on it. Try to put guns on it somewhere. Sports cars don't really work as it's hard to take a schoolroom full of hostages in a two-seater. However, a sports car does fit neatly into the bacl of said big truck. (WARNING: If you do this, avoid black leather pants with large belt-buckles, or else you may end up as an actor/singer 10 years down the road. This must be avoided at all costs.)
Tanks are a vaguely popular choice, but they're a little hard to get a road permit for, and rarely, if ever, fit in a family garage. Intensive research suggests a compromise...
The M39 Fox. These babies are jsut right. Made in Germany, lots of wheels, overpressured so they make a *whoosh* noise when you open the door, and quite imposing looking. Room for a small goon squad inside too. These babies could almost look cool if painted green with the words "Mystery Machine" painted on them. Almost. And nothing else would come close ... However we suggest you paint it black, with flames coming out of the wheel wells, put a gun on it too. One or two -- what the hell, you deserve it.
Firepower
OK, apart from the now gun-laden vheicles that are going to be mowing down innocent pedestrians faster than the drivers can stamp little 'kill' markers on the doors, you're going to need other guns. Lots of them. Preferably big ones. Without a lot of guns, you'll just be a loudmouth in a silly suit, and we wouldn't want that.
Now first, personal weapons. Guns. As have been pointed out, AK-47s for the goons, with something like a G11 for your bodyguards, who are going to be judged by the rest of society on the basis of: a) their haircut, b)their hand-weapon, and c)their lack of vocabulary.
However, it is perfectly acceptable for some of the guys, be they goon or otherwise, to carry the odd imposing Hand-Cannon. A nice big .50AE Desert Eagle or somesuch. Why? These monsters make lots of noise. Is there a better reason, I hear you ask? My reply is - does there need to be?
Rocket launchers. Need we say more? You want lots of these -- they're going to miss whatever they're fired at, but they always hit something, and it's going to explode when that happens, so we reccommend at least one of these per 10 goons. Preferably 1 per 5. Any more than that and your goons forget to use their AK-47s, which are far cheaper, and miss their targets just as well as a rocket will.
Chocolate Soldiers
I've been thinking a little recently about certain nefarious plots for world domination, and I thought I'd share the fruits of some of my research with you...
The angle I've taken for researching a possible method of world domination is this:
Complete control through a reign of terror, backed up by an army of chocolate soldiers.
Now, this is certainly one of the more unusual methods, but by no means unthinkable. So, after a certain amount of running around asking people strange questions, getting poked in the eye a lot and occasionally bought a beer and patted on the head with the phrase "there there, it'll all seem better soon" ringing in my ears.... I present some of my findings, loosely organised under three headings.
World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers.
Pros:
- Cheap to replace when they take horrible losses.
- Logistics -- food especially -- not a problem.
- The element of surprise...
- Corruption of the young, in preparation for a really insidious takeover next generation...
- Generally unrebellious force, unlikely to stage a coup and overthrow you.
- A tasty treat if everything's going really badly.
World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers.
Cons:
- Not very scary.
- Can't carry guns, and small candy spears don't really hurt a lot, no matter how many you get hit by.
- Low morale a common problem amongst confectionery militia.
- All attempts to subdue Opelika, AL have met with heavy resistance, with no bodies recovered to date...
- Hot weather an operational limitation, as is excess humidity.
- Mobilization is a problem, unless many Kinder Suprise (for aircraft/sailing vessels) are purchased.
- Inability to withstand enemy fire of any kind.
- Many tactical limitations tied to being 3 inches high.
- Inability to understand complex strategic or tactical issues.
- Basically, completely bloody worthless.
World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers.
Summary:
Okay, if there is anything much less likely to aid one in taking over the world than an army of chocolate soldiers, it has yet to be the subject of such an in depth research topic. These things just suck. They're absolutely useless when employed in such a fashion, and the moron who tries to use them to achieve this end is likely to find himself on the Rikki Lake show, complaining that someone read his mind and produced a Pinky & the Brain episode, and he deserves royalties. In short, if this is the best you can come up with for taking over the world, you are in all likelihood the kind of person who would be quite good at ruling the world. As long as you have a hunchbacked assistant to wipe the drool off your chin, you freak.
